This point in my and my husbands relationship we are just getting to know each other. I guess you could call this our dating period. We did not have the willpower to stick to the Biblical dating period definition. I thought about it, I wanted to be stronger than I was in the past. I yearned to be respected, to be loved, to honor God in my relationship. But my old self was too strong, my old fears were still there. I did not follow a definition such as Christians.net suggest:
Does the situation I put myself in invite sexual immorality or help me avoid it?
1 Corinthians 6:18 says to “flee from sexual immorality.” We cannot do this if we are tempting ourselves through carelessness
My kids were still in Middle School. I had my twins living with me and my oldest in foster care still. My life was getting better, I had time to think, to breath. I could now focus on my twins rather than my oldest and keeping us all safe. He was in the care of people who were trained to help him with his diagnosis. The reason I did not work was not my disabilities at this time. It was my children. When I first moved to this West Coast State I tried working, but only found one babysitter that was willing to take on their behaviors. Few months later they became too much for her, she brought my kids to me at work and quit. I then had to stop working. This was before I placed my oldest in foster care.
dating period definition
So, bring in who is now my husband to this crazy chaotic small family of mine. I wanted my kids to like him, which at first they all seemed to hit off well. My husband really is a kid at heart in many ways. He likes many of the same things my kids did. That is the way to a single mothers heart, to win over her kids.
But, my husband and I started to make fatal mistakes early on. I let him spend the night. The first time I insisted he sleep on the couch. But my fears of him not wanting to stay with me were too strong. Then coupled with my husbands sexual drive, my stand of waiting did not last. What I did not realize is my husbands porn addiction and overactive sexual drive.
What I slowly learned from him was his past. He had been married before, got his first wife pregnant when they were both 17 years old. But, his child is another reason I felt God put us together. You see my oldest sons birthday is 2-22-92, my twins are 2-24-93, my husbands sons birthday is 2-22-94! It blew me away! There was no way that this was just a coincidence.
What I did commend my husband for is how he did his best to be there for his son. How my husbands whole family helped raise my new step son. But that does not deter what my husband admits that he did that messed up his first marriage. He cheated on his wife with her friend. After getting divorced he had a string of ladies in his history.
dating period definition
The thing is I loved him, he treated me better than any other man had. My kids seemed to like him and his son started calling me mom. I had a long history with men in my past so I thought who am I to judge his? But, I gave in sexually because I felt I needed to satisfy him so he would stay with me. My husband on the other hand had a craving for sex that was beyond what I could deal with. Coming to the relationship with this difference would cause major problems early in our marriage. But for right now we were just discovering each other and how to put our families together.
What did end up happening is my husbands best friends from a church he used to go to had a talk with him. Then the church we started to go to their pastor gave us an ultimatum. We either stop sleeping together or we stop going to his church. Our answer….6 months after meeting each other…..was to plan our wedding! He stopped spending the night together, but rather started planning our wedding.
I was so surprised that a man would honor me in this way. He was willing to respect me and just want to spend time with me without the obligation of sleeping with him. The problem was tho, his sexual drive. It was still there.
dating period definition
His family were thrilled to see we decided to get married and so were my friends. Everyone seemed so willing to chip in and help us have a wonderful wedding. My first marriage happened with a judge. I never expected to walk down the isle and have a real wedding! But everyone chipped in so we could have that. I felt so loved, so included. But even more distant from my biological family. I invited my parents, I understood why my real dad could not make it, he never had enough money. But my step dad and my mom not coming, that broke my heart. She told me that at her second wedding no one came, so I did not need them there for mine either. From my wedding on my in law family started to become my real family.
I wish that I could say like the fairy tales say, and they lived happily ever after. This was just not in the cards for us. Both of us struggling with our separate brain injuries, my special needs kids, and our individual sexaul sin issues. In the next installment I will explain why in our 13 year marriage we only lived together for one year. How his and my choices devastated our kids and our relationship for much of our marriage. Eventually we will get to the point of seeing how God is using all this for His glory to bless others and bring them to Him.
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